Mixed Feelings

In a few weeks, it will be eight months since I lost my husband of almost 40 years.  That 40th anniverary follows a couple more months later.  Yet.  I really lost him years ago to Vascular dementia, and possibly Alzheimer's disease; though it was double pneumonia that took his life in the end.

A year ago I moved into my own apartment after finding a facility that could take care of my husband.  The apartment would be my very first time ever living totally alone; it was my dream apartment with lots of people and activities; beautiful scenery; and space to continue my hobbies.  Yet.  As I moved forward in this "single" life, my thoughts ran away from me in various directions.  I continue to feel uncertain and confused.  I simply try putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward rather than backward, to get my life together again.

As the days quickly fly by, my thoughts take form in reading and writing poetry, sharing my mixed feelings.  Today's post shares these thoughts and the "Mixed Feelings" I have been having...

A time to laugh;

A time to cry;

A time for memories of past;

A time for dreams for the future.

Or, a time of joy and happiness.

A time to find Me again;

The Me that is still there...

Somewhere.

It's easy to lose myself in caregiving;
Being stuck in that role.
But my role is different now.
I can find what makes me happy.
For now, it's a smile from a friend,
A group of friends laughing together;
New friends to share with;

And family...
Always family!