The Storms of Life

The morning started stormy, as many summer days do here in Florida.  Dark clouds, thunder, lightening, rain.  I had wanted to be productive today, but the rain made me tired...and a bit lazy; I fell asleep!  But soon the rain moved on and the sun came out, bringing another beautiful day.

So I started working on my first of many projects:  clearing off the bookshelves and gathering the books I was donating.  The thing about going through what I needed to declutter is that distractions easily take me away from the chore at hand.

What stopped me from my work was a bookmark that slipped from one of the many books collected over the years.  Reading the message on the back of that bookmark, written by a beautiful retired minister from my life many years ago, brought emotions I wasn't expecting on this summer day.  The tears spilled from my eyes; memories filled my head, while reflections of the words just read stopped me in my tracks.

The quote on front of the bookmark was just a few simple words; but put together reminded me of the storms that have surrounded me throughout my life.

"In the midst of rain, the rainbow awaits."

One thing I have prayed for in this new season of life is to see a beautiful rainbow outside my huge picture window of my "dream apartment".  But after living here for just over a year, I have yet to see one!

No matter how the storms of life may surround us, figuratively and literally, there's always hope.  I look to that hope and the certainty that when needed, God will send my rainbow!  In the meantime, I still see and feel His Hand on my life and trust His timing for what is needed for my journey.

May you find hope in the storms of your life and find your rainbow too!

Finally Home

 

The poem I am sharing today was written a few days after my husband passed.  I wanted to be able to remember that last visit with him, and having all of the "children" together.  We each had a chance to sit with him and share whatever was on our mind, in our hearts.  And the memories we needed or wanted to share with each other.  It turned out to be the last visit as he passed in the early hours that next morning.

The words of this poem came out of two memories:

1.  Visiting my husband at the nursing facility became a stressful time as he always begged me to take him home, or drive him somewhere to get a burger or milkshake.  It hurt so much that I had to leave him, many times sneaking out while the staff made sure he stayed.  I can't imagine what he thought each time he saw me walking away.  But, the next time I saw him he had completely forgotten.

2.  During our last visit, I noticed a cardboard decoration, a butterfly, in the far corner of the room.  As he was lying there in his last hours, he kept reaching up for that butterfly and would mumble a word we couldn't clearly understand; until we did!  He was saying "Home".  And I knew he was reaching for the Heavenly Home waiting for him; not the home where he had wanted to go to with me.

As I share this poem today, I am at peace, knowing that we are each in the Home where we are meant to be.  He is no longer sick; and I am working my way through life as it will now be for me...

Finally Home

Did you know I was there with you?

In those last hours?

Did you know?

Could you hear the words whispered?

Mine and those of our loved ones?

Could you feel the presence in the room?

The one you kept reaching for.

The one I know you felt.

I felt the presence surrounding us all,

As we whispered those words

In the last hours.

I felt them, knew they would comfort you,

Prepare you for your last journey

When they take you Home,

Where you always wanted to be...

And now, you are finally Home!

(bjl 11/7/22)

Mixed Feelings

In a few weeks, it will be eight months since I lost my husband of almost 40 years.  That 40th anniverary follows a couple more months later.  Yet.  I really lost him years ago to Vascular dementia, and possibly Alzheimer's disease; though it was double pneumonia that took his life in the end.

A year ago I moved into my own apartment after finding a facility that could take care of my husband.  The apartment would be my very first time ever living totally alone; it was my dream apartment with lots of people and activities; beautiful scenery; and space to continue my hobbies.  Yet.  As I moved forward in this "single" life, my thoughts ran away from me in various directions.  I continue to feel uncertain and confused.  I simply try putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward rather than backward, to get my life together again.

As the days quickly fly by, my thoughts take form in reading and writing poetry, sharing my mixed feelings.  Today's post shares these thoughts and the "Mixed Feelings" I have been having...

A time to laugh;

A time to cry;

A time for memories of past;

A time for dreams for the future.

Or, a time of joy and happiness.

A time to find Me again;

The Me that is still there...

Somewhere.

It's easy to lose myself in caregiving;
Being stuck in that role.
But my role is different now.
I can find what makes me happy.
For now, it's a smile from a friend,
A group of friends laughing together;
New friends to share with;

And family...
Always family!

Uncertain

One day, everything seems fine.  Well, not really fine, but as "fine" or "normal" as it has been for...how long?

Then you receive a phone call and in a flash, everything changes quicker than you can turn around.  And life becomes different.  After so many years of that "normal life", you find yourself alone and grasping for the "what's next?" in the life you are left with.

That happened to me, about 7 months ago, when I received the call from the nursing home where my husband had been placed about 6 months prior to that call.  He was having trouble breathing and was in such distress, they needed to send him to the ER.  My daugher and I went as soon as we could.  He was confusued and fighting the breathing machines and wanting to get up.  The doctors at the emergency center did what they could; then transported him to the hospital where he spent several days.  Then was sent back to the nursing home under the care of Hospice...

So, now I find myself in that uncertain time, almost a year later.  Wondering how I will ever get by...alone?  Yet, not really alone.

This is the poem that was written while I was trying to figure things out for my future...

UNCERTAIN

Life can get busy,
  days to fly by...

Life is flying by; yet somewhat at a standstill.

Many days I really don't know

  which way to go;

  how to feel;

  what to think...

     the thoughts in my head.

Not sure I'm ready to deal with

  these thoughts.

I've felt this way for awhile,

  at other times when I felt

  Uncertain!

It just didn't seem...right?

I don't know how to feel about it...

  Actually...

  Maybe I do know how to feel...

  or, do I?!

(BJL October 20, 2022)

Quite confusing, I am sure!  But slowly, one day at a time, or even one moment at a time, I am learning how to live in this new "normal life" I now have.

Thoughts

 Trying to find my way through this new life Alone, as a Widow, not sure about anything.  My thoughts have been so random, and up and down, that I doubted myself so often!  I wasn't sure which way to turn; what to do with myself, how life would be like for me now...

Shortly after my husband passed, after being in a nursing home for six months, I began jotting things down in my journal; later going back and forming some of the random thoughts into poems.  This one, just titled "Thoughts", shares some of that uncertainty...

THOUGHTS

What can I say?
I know my thoughts

    are not where they should be.

I know how things were before.

This may not be right;

    but what is or isn't right

        is not the point.

I'm not sure.

It's my thoughts;

    like I have no control

        over how I feel,

or the thoughts running through my head...

And they're good, happy thoughts!

Am I allowed to smile, laugh,

     have fun, be happy?

I've done my best

    Still trying to do my best...

but I'm also doing what I enjoy;

What makes me happy!

(bjl December 16, 2022