A Rainbow Wish

 My last post was a month ago.  So much for sharing more often!  But life has been full of things to "move on" and get back into a "routine", if there is such a thing!  My routine has been helping others as well as myself; and a lot of thinking and relaxing, remembering and pondering what's to be next in this crazy life of being single; a widow.  Whatever it may be called, there are new dreams and adventures and hopes and future things I still hope to have...

Last month's post was titled "The Storms of Life" shared a wish I had after moving into my new apartment; one that has a beautiful view of the city - a great place to see the night lights and fireworks...

My wish was to see a rainbow; and is shared in this poem, "A Rainbow Wish":

A Rainbow Wish

My wish was to see
A Rainbow,

As I gazed from my

New apartment.

One last wish to assure me:

I am where I belong.

But still no rainbow;

Even with so much rain,

No rainbow of hope;

No wish come true.

Instead,

I see...

Cars zooming by

On the bridges and streets

Of downtown and

Surrounding my apartment building.

Murals on buildings

In the distance,

The buildings towering.

To the sky.

The colors of the sky,

Sunrise to sunset

And all the hours

In between.

Lights shining on the buildings,

And from their windows;

Bridges lit with bright colors,

Traffic lights changing

From green to yellow to red,

The cycle of change constant.

And fireworks lighting up

The night sky

With colors of...

A Rainbow!

Guess He has shown me

A Rainbow

Afterall!!

A Rainbow of colors,

Of hope,

Outside my window,

The place where I belong.

(bjl July 2023)

Finally Home

 

The poem I am sharing today was written a few days after my husband passed.  I wanted to be able to remember that last visit with him, and having all of the "children" together.  We each had a chance to sit with him and share whatever was on our mind, in our hearts.  And the memories we needed or wanted to share with each other.  It turned out to be the last visit as he passed in the early hours that next morning.

The words of this poem came out of two memories:

1.  Visiting my husband at the nursing facility became a stressful time as he always begged me to take him home, or drive him somewhere to get a burger or milkshake.  It hurt so much that I had to leave him, many times sneaking out while the staff made sure he stayed.  I can't imagine what he thought each time he saw me walking away.  But, the next time I saw him he had completely forgotten.

2.  During our last visit, I noticed a cardboard decoration, a butterfly, in the far corner of the room.  As he was lying there in his last hours, he kept reaching up for that butterfly and would mumble a word we couldn't clearly understand; until we did!  He was saying "Home".  And I knew he was reaching for the Heavenly Home waiting for him; not the home where he had wanted to go to with me.

As I share this poem today, I am at peace, knowing that we are each in the Home where we are meant to be.  He is no longer sick; and I am working my way through life as it will now be for me...

Finally Home

Did you know I was there with you?

In those last hours?

Did you know?

Could you hear the words whispered?

Mine and those of our loved ones?

Could you feel the presence in the room?

The one you kept reaching for.

The one I know you felt.

I felt the presence surrounding us all,

As we whispered those words

In the last hours.

I felt them, knew they would comfort you,

Prepare you for your last journey

When they take you Home,

Where you always wanted to be...

And now, you are finally Home!

(bjl 11/7/22)

Mixed Feelings

In a few weeks, it will be eight months since I lost my husband of almost 40 years.  That 40th anniverary follows a couple more months later.  Yet.  I really lost him years ago to Vascular dementia, and possibly Alzheimer's disease; though it was double pneumonia that took his life in the end.

A year ago I moved into my own apartment after finding a facility that could take care of my husband.  The apartment would be my very first time ever living totally alone; it was my dream apartment with lots of people and activities; beautiful scenery; and space to continue my hobbies.  Yet.  As I moved forward in this "single" life, my thoughts ran away from me in various directions.  I continue to feel uncertain and confused.  I simply try putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward rather than backward, to get my life together again.

As the days quickly fly by, my thoughts take form in reading and writing poetry, sharing my mixed feelings.  Today's post shares these thoughts and the "Mixed Feelings" I have been having...

A time to laugh;

A time to cry;

A time for memories of past;

A time for dreams for the future.

Or, a time of joy and happiness.

A time to find Me again;

The Me that is still there...

Somewhere.

It's easy to lose myself in caregiving;
Being stuck in that role.
But my role is different now.
I can find what makes me happy.
For now, it's a smile from a friend,
A group of friends laughing together;
New friends to share with;

And family...
Always family!

Uncertain

One day, everything seems fine.  Well, not really fine, but as "fine" or "normal" as it has been for...how long?

Then you receive a phone call and in a flash, everything changes quicker than you can turn around.  And life becomes different.  After so many years of that "normal life", you find yourself alone and grasping for the "what's next?" in the life you are left with.

That happened to me, about 7 months ago, when I received the call from the nursing home where my husband had been placed about 6 months prior to that call.  He was having trouble breathing and was in such distress, they needed to send him to the ER.  My daugher and I went as soon as we could.  He was confusued and fighting the breathing machines and wanting to get up.  The doctors at the emergency center did what they could; then transported him to the hospital where he spent several days.  Then was sent back to the nursing home under the care of Hospice...

So, now I find myself in that uncertain time, almost a year later.  Wondering how I will ever get by...alone?  Yet, not really alone.

This is the poem that was written while I was trying to figure things out for my future...

UNCERTAIN

Life can get busy,
  days to fly by...

Life is flying by; yet somewhat at a standstill.

Many days I really don't know

  which way to go;

  how to feel;

  what to think...

     the thoughts in my head.

Not sure I'm ready to deal with

  these thoughts.

I've felt this way for awhile,

  at other times when I felt

  Uncertain!

It just didn't seem...right?

I don't know how to feel about it...

  Actually...

  Maybe I do know how to feel...

  or, do I?!

(BJL October 20, 2022)

Quite confusing, I am sure!  But slowly, one day at a time, or even one moment at a time, I am learning how to live in this new "normal life" I now have.

Today

Someone we see every day may be so familiar to us that we couldn't possibly forget their name!

As I look back on my early years, I remember the name of a favorite Sunday School teacher; Mrs. D. was very popular with the young people, myself included...

Until I learned she was a smoker!!

That brought her down from the pedestal I had put her on.  To this day, many years later, I remember her name and I remember that incident.  It is a part of my long term memories.

There may come a time when I won't remember her name; or many others in my life; past, present or future.

There may come a time when those loved ones I see every day will be strangers to me.

This poem was written with that in mind; but mostly with the knowledge that one day, my husband may forget who I am.

This is not an easy thing to even consider.

But, with dementia, that is a definite direction we are sure to travel as we continue along this journey...

Today...

I forgot your name!

I know it's somewhere...

In the deep dark recesses of my brain.

I see your face...

Can picture us together -

Somewhere...

Walking hand in hand -

In the park?

At the beach?

Somewhere!

I hear your voice,

Calling my name...

And I smile!

Today...

I forgot your name!

Maybe tomorrow,

I will remember.

Maybe tomorrow,

I will know...

Maybe.

{BJLondon - April 2015}

Memories can be a strange thing for one with dementia.  One day they may know their loved ones; the next day they may be complete strangers to them.

One day their memory seems almost normal; the next, they can't remember what you told them five minutes ago.

Every day should be treasured.  Every day remembered for what it is or was.  Those with dementia may live in a "Groundhog Day" kind of world.

We, as loved ones and caregivers, may live in their world easier than they can...

And, one day, maybe they will share their memories before they fade away...again.

Treasure these times.

The Eyes of Time

This poem was written a few years ago and shared on my other blog under the label "Poetry"; check it out here.

As I was reading back over some of my poetry, I felt inspired to write more about some of them; not to add to what I had originally written, but to look at the why...

Why did I feel inspired to write more about this particular poem?

Well, just looking at the person this poem was written about brought me back to over 30 years ago when I first met him.

His eyes were the most beautiful blue!  I think that is what drew me to him.  They had a little sparkle in them and lit up when I approached him and began a conversation.

Yes, I am the one that approached him!!

Not the first blond hair blue-eyed musician I've had a crush on; the first was when I was a teenager!

The second one, a divorced 30 something mother of two!

I took a chance and approached him, asking if he ever took a break...

And when I asked him if he wanted to dance during a break, his eyes sparkled as a smile spread across his face.

I guess I have always been drawn to blue-eyed musicians!

And, on that day in May, two years ago, when I looked at those blue eyes more than thirty years from that first approach...

I realized they were not as clear and didn't sparkle as much as back then.

It had me thinking:

What else has changed about this person that I was so drawn to all those years ago?

And the poem enfolded...

The Eyes of Time

Blue eyes

Once bright

And sparkling,

Flashing to and fro,

Watching,

Taking it all in.

Now,

The sparkle gone;

The tiredness obvious;

What memories

Behind those

Blue eyes,

No longer bright,

No longer sparkling.

Blond hair -

Thinning,

A spot balding;

Endearing.

Now,

No longer blond -

When did the gray

Become more prominent?

The balding spot

Filling your head?

You shuffle

Down the walk,

Slower and slower -

Steps once quick and sure,

No longer sure;

Which way to turn?

Did the eyes see...

When

You became

Older?

When

Life

Slowed down...

A slower pace?

How long 'til slow

Becomes slower...

Becomes slowed...

Becomes...

Stopped?

Do the eyes know...

How long before

You no longer go...

On your own?

So much of life behind;

How much is left ahead?

How much?

The eyes of time -

They see...

So much!

They know...

So much!

The eyes of time...

{BJLondon - May, 2015}

So, as I move on through this journey of dementia with my blond hair blue-eyed husband...

My eyes look hard for the person he once was; and the changes that age and disease have brought about in the man I met and fell for so long ago.

It reminds me of the person that used to be.

And that makes him even more endearing to me;

Because, deep inside he is still the same person... 

And together we will continue on this journey that I have come to think of as "dementia's demands."