A Rainbow Wish

 My last post was a month ago.  So much for sharing more often!  But life has been full of things to "move on" and get back into a "routine", if there is such a thing!  My routine has been helping others as well as myself; and a lot of thinking and relaxing, remembering and pondering what's to be next in this crazy life of being single; a widow.  Whatever it may be called, there are new dreams and adventures and hopes and future things I still hope to have...

Last month's post was titled "The Storms of Life" shared a wish I had after moving into my new apartment; one that has a beautiful view of the city - a great place to see the night lights and fireworks...

My wish was to see a rainbow; and is shared in this poem, "A Rainbow Wish":

A Rainbow Wish

My wish was to see
A Rainbow,

As I gazed from my

New apartment.

One last wish to assure me:

I am where I belong.

But still no rainbow;

Even with so much rain,

No rainbow of hope;

No wish come true.

Instead,

I see...

Cars zooming by

On the bridges and streets

Of downtown and

Surrounding my apartment building.

Murals on buildings

In the distance,

The buildings towering.

To the sky.

The colors of the sky,

Sunrise to sunset

And all the hours

In between.

Lights shining on the buildings,

And from their windows;

Bridges lit with bright colors,

Traffic lights changing

From green to yellow to red,

The cycle of change constant.

And fireworks lighting up

The night sky

With colors of...

A Rainbow!

Guess He has shown me

A Rainbow

Afterall!!

A Rainbow of colors,

Of hope,

Outside my window,

The place where I belong.

(bjl July 2023)

The Storms of Life

The morning started stormy, as many summer days do here in Florida.  Dark clouds, thunder, lightening, rain.  I had wanted to be productive today, but the rain made me tired...and a bit lazy; I fell asleep!  But soon the rain moved on and the sun came out, bringing another beautiful day.

So I started working on my first of many projects:  clearing off the bookshelves and gathering the books I was donating.  The thing about going through what I needed to declutter is that distractions easily take me away from the chore at hand.

What stopped me from my work was a bookmark that slipped from one of the many books collected over the years.  Reading the message on the back of that bookmark, written by a beautiful retired minister from my life many years ago, brought emotions I wasn't expecting on this summer day.  The tears spilled from my eyes; memories filled my head, while reflections of the words just read stopped me in my tracks.

The quote on front of the bookmark was just a few simple words; but put together reminded me of the storms that have surrounded me throughout my life.

"In the midst of rain, the rainbow awaits."

One thing I have prayed for in this new season of life is to see a beautiful rainbow outside my huge picture window of my "dream apartment".  But after living here for just over a year, I have yet to see one!

No matter how the storms of life may surround us, figuratively and literally, there's always hope.  I look to that hope and the certainty that when needed, God will send my rainbow!  In the meantime, I still see and feel His Hand on my life and trust His timing for what is needed for my journey.

May you find hope in the storms of your life and find your rainbow too!

Finally Home

 

The poem I am sharing today was written a few days after my husband passed.  I wanted to be able to remember that last visit with him, and having all of the "children" together.  We each had a chance to sit with him and share whatever was on our mind, in our hearts.  And the memories we needed or wanted to share with each other.  It turned out to be the last visit as he passed in the early hours that next morning.

The words of this poem came out of two memories:

1.  Visiting my husband at the nursing facility became a stressful time as he always begged me to take him home, or drive him somewhere to get a burger or milkshake.  It hurt so much that I had to leave him, many times sneaking out while the staff made sure he stayed.  I can't imagine what he thought each time he saw me walking away.  But, the next time I saw him he had completely forgotten.

2.  During our last visit, I noticed a cardboard decoration, a butterfly, in the far corner of the room.  As he was lying there in his last hours, he kept reaching up for that butterfly and would mumble a word we couldn't clearly understand; until we did!  He was saying "Home".  And I knew he was reaching for the Heavenly Home waiting for him; not the home where he had wanted to go to with me.

As I share this poem today, I am at peace, knowing that we are each in the Home where we are meant to be.  He is no longer sick; and I am working my way through life as it will now be for me...

Finally Home

Did you know I was there with you?

In those last hours?

Did you know?

Could you hear the words whispered?

Mine and those of our loved ones?

Could you feel the presence in the room?

The one you kept reaching for.

The one I know you felt.

I felt the presence surrounding us all,

As we whispered those words

In the last hours.

I felt them, knew they would comfort you,

Prepare you for your last journey

When they take you Home,

Where you always wanted to be...

And now, you are finally Home!

(bjl 11/7/22)

Mixed Feelings

In a few weeks, it will be eight months since I lost my husband of almost 40 years.  That 40th anniverary follows a couple more months later.  Yet.  I really lost him years ago to Vascular dementia, and possibly Alzheimer's disease; though it was double pneumonia that took his life in the end.

A year ago I moved into my own apartment after finding a facility that could take care of my husband.  The apartment would be my very first time ever living totally alone; it was my dream apartment with lots of people and activities; beautiful scenery; and space to continue my hobbies.  Yet.  As I moved forward in this "single" life, my thoughts ran away from me in various directions.  I continue to feel uncertain and confused.  I simply try putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward rather than backward, to get my life together again.

As the days quickly fly by, my thoughts take form in reading and writing poetry, sharing my mixed feelings.  Today's post shares these thoughts and the "Mixed Feelings" I have been having...

A time to laugh;

A time to cry;

A time for memories of past;

A time for dreams for the future.

Or, a time of joy and happiness.

A time to find Me again;

The Me that is still there...

Somewhere.

It's easy to lose myself in caregiving;
Being stuck in that role.
But my role is different now.
I can find what makes me happy.
For now, it's a smile from a friend,
A group of friends laughing together;
New friends to share with;

And family...
Always family!

Uncertain

One day, everything seems fine.  Well, not really fine, but as "fine" or "normal" as it has been for...how long?

Then you receive a phone call and in a flash, everything changes quicker than you can turn around.  And life becomes different.  After so many years of that "normal life", you find yourself alone and grasping for the "what's next?" in the life you are left with.

That happened to me, about 7 months ago, when I received the call from the nursing home where my husband had been placed about 6 months prior to that call.  He was having trouble breathing and was in such distress, they needed to send him to the ER.  My daugher and I went as soon as we could.  He was confusued and fighting the breathing machines and wanting to get up.  The doctors at the emergency center did what they could; then transported him to the hospital where he spent several days.  Then was sent back to the nursing home under the care of Hospice...

So, now I find myself in that uncertain time, almost a year later.  Wondering how I will ever get by...alone?  Yet, not really alone.

This is the poem that was written while I was trying to figure things out for my future...

UNCERTAIN

Life can get busy,
  days to fly by...

Life is flying by; yet somewhat at a standstill.

Many days I really don't know

  which way to go;

  how to feel;

  what to think...

     the thoughts in my head.

Not sure I'm ready to deal with

  these thoughts.

I've felt this way for awhile,

  at other times when I felt

  Uncertain!

It just didn't seem...right?

I don't know how to feel about it...

  Actually...

  Maybe I do know how to feel...

  or, do I?!

(BJL October 20, 2022)

Quite confusing, I am sure!  But slowly, one day at a time, or even one moment at a time, I am learning how to live in this new "normal life" I now have.

Thoughts

 Trying to find my way through this new life Alone, as a Widow, not sure about anything.  My thoughts have been so random, and up and down, that I doubted myself so often!  I wasn't sure which way to turn; what to do with myself, how life would be like for me now...

Shortly after my husband passed, after being in a nursing home for six months, I began jotting things down in my journal; later going back and forming some of the random thoughts into poems.  This one, just titled "Thoughts", shares some of that uncertainty...

THOUGHTS

What can I say?
I know my thoughts

    are not where they should be.

I know how things were before.

This may not be right;

    but what is or isn't right

        is not the point.

I'm not sure.

It's my thoughts;

    like I have no control

        over how I feel,

or the thoughts running through my head...

And they're good, happy thoughts!

Am I allowed to smile, laugh,

     have fun, be happy?

I've done my best

    Still trying to do my best...

but I'm also doing what I enjoy;

What makes me happy!

(bjl December 16, 2022

"Our Song"

"That song came on today.
The one you loved.
The one we listened to together,
The one whose melody mingles with so many of our memories.

A soundtrack in the background of our days."

This poem, written by Liz Newman, was found on her Facebook page.  She has also written a book titled "I Look to the Mourning Sky" (among other resources for those who are grieving).  Her book and daily poems found on Facebook have been a great help to me in the grieving process.

Although my journey may be different than others, it has been my journey from caregiving to loss, and the grief and emptiness that follows.  And a realization that I have a "new" title now...

Widow.  Funny how things go!  I can finally say it...I AM A WIDOW!

Years ago when I began my first blog, I wrote about the journey I was on as caregiver for my husband who had dementia.  Through various posts and writings, I discovered that I was a CAREGIVER, but that I was also a WRITER!  

So in learning that, I have been reflecting on my journey through each of these phases, as well as the years as wife and mother.  This poem caught my eye, but also triggered this reflection as well:

"Why is it I can't remember a song that was our song?  Did we have a special song?  Is there a song that reminds me of you?  Not really!  Nothing comes to mind!  Yet...that really doesn't mean there wasn't one!

I love music!  You loved music, too!  You were a musician; in college majoring in music, playing the trombone in the band.  I didn't know you then; but you continued to play music and when I did meet you, tyou were playing the harmonica in a band with a few of your friends.

When our daughter was old enough and wanted to learn to play the piano, you were her teacher!  There was always music around us!

And you did love that George Beverly Shay song..."How Great Thou Art!"  Maybe that was your song and we didn't really have a special song.

Who says there has to be one certain song?!  Music in itself is a clear reminder of a loved on, whatever it is!

What is/was your special song.  Or, what other "thing" triggers those memories of your loved one?  Share them in the comments!

EVERYBODY GRIEVES

 In one way or another...Everybody grieves!  This poem was written about a month after losing my husband.  Today, I share "Everybody Grieves"; soon I will write more and pick back up on my journey as I add more posts.

I hope you will share your "journey" with me and my followers!

EVERYBODY GRIEVES

Everybody grieves differently...

everyone's lives are different,

their relationships not the same at all!

If you see me happy,

know that I am trying my best

but beneath my smile are unshed tears.

You may not see the tears,

or know when they are shed.

Those usually fall behind my door,

when I shut myself inside for the night.

If you do see a tear or two

it's only for a moment,

brought on by a memory, a song,

or a comforting word shared.

Everyone grieves differently,

and though mine isn't always clear to others,

it's there.

Don't be afraid when the tears fall;

comfort those who shed them.

Grief unshared builds up within;

grief shared is grief giving way to what lies ahead.

But...

Everybody grieves differently...

(BJL - Nov. 2022)

It's Just Not Right!

 

7/28/21

Well, it’s almost midnight; so guess I can wrap up “yesterday”.  Made that chicken casserole and I must have added something wrong, or measured wrong, or something?!  It didn’t taste as good as I remembered; and it looked a little…funny?  Tasted ok, but just wasn’t right.

I guess even the best Lemonade can be “off” sometimes?  But I did enjoy another Fudge Brownie with vanilla ice cream…so all was not lost!!

7/29/21

Well, yesterday the chicken casserole wasn’t what I was expecting.  Today, the hot dogs and baked beans just didn’t get it for me!

Is it possible there really isn’t the perfect lemonade?  Or the perfect way to smash those sour lemons?

Eating something good, or sweet, or even salty can be good no matter what.  Even a little taste of sour could be, too, if used in the right way.

Perhaps life is that way too?   At times I have almost cried out loud..."It's Just Not Right!"  Or, "Why?!"

I don’t know.  But I guess looking at life through the sour parts isn’t the right way to move forward from day to day.  I think to concentrate on the positive – the lemonade or other sweets and good tastes we come across – is the better way to take each day.  Yes, one day at a time; but also, one sip at a time of that lemonade.  Or one bite at a time of that Fudge Brownie.

Looking ahead for more of that "lemonade", however it may be found!

Obstructions

 

7/27/2021 – And it’s another day on this journey with all of the ups and downs, a rollercoaster ride for sure!!!  Or, the detours and twists and turns, and the obstructions and dangers along the way…seems no day goes by without these things getting in the way of a perfectly normal, peaceful, fun, sunny, wonderful day!!

This morning it was the obstructions, not to mention the angry drivers who blamed the whole delay on ME!!!  Haha!!  First, I could barely squeeze into my car because the BIG truck next to me was entirely too close; like parked right on the line!!  Then, at the corner where I turn to start out of the apartments, the lawn truck was parked on the wrong side and, I had to drive very carefully around him on the other side in case someone was coming from the other direction…which they were, driving quickly until he saw I was there and slowed down!!

On I drove towards the front gate, and there was another obstruction…a BIG MOVING TRUCK backing into the complex through the “EXIT ONLY” gate; so I had to back up and head out of the Entrance, but couldn’t get out because there was not enough room to squeeze through!  And the cars were lining up behind me to also get out; and then one came who was trying to turn in!

Well, eventually we all were able to go leave (or come in), and I headed on down the highway…where two of those cars sped up behind me and then quickly drove around me, giving me mean looks like it was all my fault!!!  Whatever!!!

By this time I am so frustrated, literally yelling at those drivers, other drivers, even at the sun…or at God Himself!!!  It isn’t His fault; it isn’t my fault…nobody’s fault, I guess!  But it is happening almost every time I try to do anything.  No wonder I prefer to just stay home!!

Finally I arrived at the store; not really that far away!  After a quick run into the store, I was able to get my package of stuffing for the casserole, with the proper “sell by” date of 2022!!  And headed back home, safely!  But with a very distinctive “smell” sitting beside me in the car…well, here goes another day in paradise on this journey of life!

How long will “making lemonade” keep me in good spirits as we continue this journey?  I am not sure, but that lemonade was really good yesterday!  So was the dessert “lemonade” – warmed chocolate fudge brownie with a couple scoops of vanilla ice cream.  Yummy!!  And I can’t wait to taste that chicken casserole when it’s baked later today.

On a good note – I found the perfect scrapbook paper and other supplies for “Making Lemonade” and placed an order!!  I should receive it before my next retreat and can start making pages for my “Making Lemonade” pictures…yes!  I AM documenting my journey because it was/is part of my Adventure and Special Vacation (which I will take one of these days!!)

Time to go bake today’s special lemonade…Chicken Casserole.  And if you are interested in trying out this delicious casserole, here is the recipe, originally received from our Pastor’s wife years ago:

Chicken Casserole

1 fryer, boiled or baked (or you can use pieces, if you prefer)

1 stick margarine

1-8oz. package of Pepperidge Farm Cornbread Stuffing

1 can cream of celery soup

1 cup sour cream

1 cup broth from chicken

Melt margarine in 9x14/2 dish.  Pour margarine over stuffing and mix thoroughly.  Put half the stuffing in bottom of casserole.  Spread chicken over stuffing and pour 1/2 cup of broth over this.  Mix soup and sour cream together and spread over chicken.  Top with rest of the stuffing and pour 1/2 cup of broth over top.  Bake in preheated (350) oven for 30-40 minutes.

MY VERSION:  I use a rotisserie chicken!!  Even the Lemon Pepper one tastes great!!  And sometimes I can’t find the cream of celery soup, so I use cream of chicken.  Chicken broth could be from cooking the chicken pieces, a can of broth or the pack from Pepperidge Farms.  Whatever works for you!

A Different Flavor

 

7/26/21 - So it's Monday again.  The week following my fabulous "non-vacation weekend".  The one that didn't happen...

Thought I would get some laundry done; it's DONE!  Finish a scrapbook layout for my grandson's birthday; it's DONE!  Maybe a little relaxing; it has also been DONE!  Sounds like a typical Monday to me, and it was in many ways.

I decided to make the chicken casserole for dinner tonight that has been on the menu for days now!  I waited to fix it until after my weekend vacation, but had purchased the ingredients before I would have left.  Well, it's a good thing my friend asked me what kind of dressing mix I was using because when I checked it out...

The package says "Sell by 12/10/2020"!  Really?!  Over 7 months ago??

Maybe it's ok; maybe it isn't ok.  but I am not taking any chances!  There IS a reason for putting those dates on packages!

So we drove up to the corner Walgreen's to see if we could find a package of dressing, but they didn't have any.  I was not up for a longer drive in traffic at the late hour it was, so planned to go out earlier tomorrow.  But, this time I am not making Lemonade; instead, I am...

Making Fudge Brownies!!  And we will enjoy them after dinner with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.  Still looking for the fun and joy in the detours of this journey!!  (A dish of ice cream atop a nice warm Fudge Brownie instead of Lemonade is kind of like a "detour, isn't it?!)

A Lemonade Weekend!

 

7/24/21 – It’s been a really busy week…but not doing what I was expecting to be doing.  More like cleaning and laundry and grocery shopping.  Today I am really tired after the last two days, but enjoyed a great Girls’ Day Out at an all-day crop.  I didn’t plan to stay as long as I did, but I did!!  And I enjoyed every minute of it!

7/25/21 - Well, it's Sunday, the last day of my "would-be" vacation.  We are getting ready for church and to enjoy this beautiful sunny day...some how, some way!!!  Seeing my Church Family will certainly bring a sunny outlook!!

Had a great day yesterday with some scrappy friends, but first had a nice LONG drive from home to the church where the retreat was held...instead of crossing the bridge five minutes from home.  (Repairs to the bridge have traffic really a mess over the weekends!).  The long way around is one of my fave drives anyway, so I enjoyed the music, the scenery, and the quietness of my thoughts.  Then, I enjoyed talking, sharing, scrapping (putting pictures on pages), and shopping some of the yard sale stuff!

Still making Lemonade and will continue to do so as long as this journey continues!

(That "No U-Turn" sign is telling me there is "no turning back" on this journey.  Not the one today on that drive to the event, the long way around; and not on the journey of this life!  I continue along the journey with my "shadow" - husband; and our Navigator, Pilot, Mapmaker, Waymaker, and all things needed for this journey!)

And today at Church, because it was July 25th, we had a Christmas tree with red bows, and sang Christmas songs!  Christmas in July!!  "Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh" and sing our favorite Christmas songs in July!!

On the way home from Church, I picked up lunch from Wendy's; and ordered my fave flavor of lemonade - Pineapple Mango!  It was delicious; and I saved some for the next day, too!

More Lemonade!  And much more to come...

 

Smashing Sour Lemons!

 

When life hands you lemons

Make lemonade…

So, I am Making Lemonade!

Lately I have been going through quite a few frustrating set-backs and frustrations.  I shared several over the past few days; but they were quite lengthy for a FaceBook status.

So...I decided to get back to my blog!  And, here goes a new "series" I am calling "Making Lemonade"!

7/22/21 - This morning...I am awake early, but not by choice.  Where would I be at this hour if things had not changed?  And I won't try to go into the long story of "what happened"; maybe another time??  Well, I won't try to dwell much on the "what if's" and question what is; I will just try to live with things the way they are!

So, this morning I am getting out for a few hours with my daughter and grandson.  Having a nice outing and then maybe some scrapbooking.  My grandson just turned 13 years old and loves to shop; and he loves spending time with his MeMaw!  And MeMaw loves spoiling the grandchildren, one at a time!!

Well, it wasn't on my way to an awesome retreat like I had been planning for; but I will make the best of the days ahead and have fun in other ways...

Celebrating Life, and the 70's (that's the theme for the cancer retreat that I am missing...again).

Plans do change and as disappointed as I was to miss another awesome retreat, I plan to smash some sour lemons ...

I AM MAKING LEMONADE!!

Write 28 Days - Day 7 - Enough

I may BE enough...

But, I've HAD enough!!





Enough feeling alone.

Enough having to justify being by myself.

{Sounds strange; to "feel alone" but to want to "be alone"?  But, that's how I feel many days.}

I "feel alone" in this journey.  I feel as if nobody really understands; or hears my silent cries.  I feel like all of the burdens and decisions of this life are all on my shoulders, and mine alone.

And...they are all on my shoulders!

The decisions, the scheduling, the transportation, the shopping, the cooking, the...

Whatever!  That is the life of a Caregiver, right?!

And, I feel alone!  Alone in this journey caring for someone who doesn't even think or know there's anything wrong; so...the decisions are on my shoulders.

Am I making the right ones?  So far I haven't had to make any really major decisions.

That time will come.

And, yes I want to be alone!  I want to go shopping (mostly "window shopping") alone.  I want to take a drive and walk on the beach or at a park, alone.  I want to not have to worry about anything but where I am and what I am doing at that very moment!

I want to get away by myself to ponder the journey; where it has been, where it is going...

Where we are now!

It's been going on for a very very long time!

When will it end?  Will it end?  How will it end?

OK.  I really don't want to hear the answers to those questions!!  I know in my head (and probably my heart too) how it ends.  But...

When it ends, will I have done enough?  Will I have given my all to doing the things that needed to be done?

Am I enough to be able to get through this and still come out at the end the person I truly am...

The person who has been pushed aside.  The one I don't even know any more...

The one who is ENOUGH for whatever comes her way!!

I AM ENOUGH!

Write 28 Days - Day 6 - Community

There's a community out there to help...

I am not alone.

So, why do I feel alone??

My husband and I attend church every Sunday; three weeks at his church and one week at mine.  Since he doesn't drive anymore, I do the driving and had promised him I would take him to his church.  I seriously did not think he would go with me to mine!

But, he does!  And he enjoys talking with the people he meets there.  Some he has actually "known" for many years from going to various events at my church.

And I am seeing another side of him when I attend his church...

{It's a long story of why we go to different churches; for many years, he didn't even go at all because of his work schedule...until our daughter was a teenager and went off on her own to find a church - there were no other young people in our church.  So, eventually, dad followed his "baby girl" to her church...and so on!}

Anyway, there is a community of people at both of these churches that we could call on if we needed to.

I haven't needed to.

Yet.

But, would I?


We live in an apartment complex that has 15 buildings, each with three floors of apartments, four on each floor; two different sides of the building...let's see, if my calculations are correct, that would be about 12 per end and 24 per building?!

That's a lot of people; another community.

But, I am sorry to say, I know the name of ONE...a neighbor that lives downstairs from where we live.  I've helped her and her daughter out a few times; I am sure they would help us too, if needed...if they were able to do so.

I haven't needed to.

Yet.

But, would I?


My husbands "knows" many people in the complex because he is out walking every day.  He speaks to everyone and pets their dogs and ooohs and ahhhs over the babies being pushed around the complex.  But, he doesn't really "know" them.

The office staff and maintenance workers are  around if we needed anything done in the apartment.

Yes, I do call on them for those types of maintenance issues!  But, for other reasons?

But, call on any of them to help if I needed them?   I don't feel I can.  I doubt if I would unless it was an emergency!


These are the communities we are in the midst of every day; and these don't really include our family or our friends!

We are not alone...

Even though we feel as if we are alone in our caregiving journey, or any other journey we may be traveling...

We are not alone!

There are people we can call on in an emergency...but, don't have to wait just for an emergency.


A few years ago when I started my blog and participated in the Write 31 Days challenge, I connected with a lot of other writers.  And, I connected with others that had been on, or were currently on, the same type of journey as I take every day...

One such writer is Bobbi Carducci, author of "The Imperfect Caregiver" as well as other books.

I am currently reading "Caregiver You Are Not Alone."  Quite obvious why this title peaked my attention...

While reading this book, I can see myself and our journey in just about every person's story that the author shares.  The following words hit home...

And remind me that I am NOT alone:

"...Being a caregiver is not a job that we can do alone.  We need help from our community, our family, and our friends.  And in the moments when all of them are too busy, or too far away, there is One who is always there."


Remember Caregiver, You Are NOT Alone!


Reach out for help when you need it.



{Find more about Bobbi Carducci and her journey here or here.

Write 28 Days - Day 5 - Numbers

1 2 5 6 9 14 25 31 45 63 70 

77 82 91 100 125 250 365...

Just a bunch of numbers.

But so much can be read into this string of numbers.

Take that last one...365.  This number represents a whole year of days; well, this year we actually need a +1 to that number...it's Leap Year!!

But, still a whole year!

A lot can happen in a whole year!

Can you even imagine where you will be in a whole year's time?

I can't.  I can hardly imagine what things will be like in 1...

1 day...
1 week...
1 month...
even 1 quarter of the whole year!

It's even hard to know what the next 1 minute will bring because things change that quickly...

All I can do is take in 1 at a time whether it be a second, or a minute, or a day or a week or whatever!

That is all I can do.

And, after that 1 I will take 1 more, then another and another until I move forward just a little more each time!

Just 1 step at a time!

Write 28 Days - Day 4 - Make

Life is what you make of it...

Right?

Wake up each morning and breathe in the new day; and make it a good one!

Or, wake up and see the situation that you live in every single day of your life, at least at this point in your life...

And...

Do what?

Just go on taking it one day at a time; just make it work the best you can!!

"This too shall pass", someone once said.  And really, it does, doesn't it?  I mean, the days go on and on and on; and it either gets better, or it gets worse.  Or, maybe it will stay the same for a while.

I received one of those "flip-style" calendars for Christmas and love the quotes from various people.  One quote for two days; the one for Sunday, January 5th and 6th, is from a young girl who stood up for her:

"Let us make our future now, and let us make our dreams tomorrow's reality."  -  Malala Yousafzai.

{December 5, 2019 - Malala Yousafzai Biography.  As a young girl, Malala Yousafzai defied the Taliban in Pakistan and demanded that girls be allowed to receive an education.  She was shot in the head by a Taliban gunman in 2012 but survived.  In 2014, she became the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize.  Additional information about Malala can be found here.}

She has certainly made her dreams a reality, hasn't she??!  And was able to make a way for many others at the same time.

Not really sure that my future or my dreams have anything to do with anything as major as young Malala has undertaken...

But, there is a reality to the life that I am currently living; and that life will be affected by the decisions I make at this point.

And those decisions can be very hard.

But necessary!

Write 28 Days - Day 3 - Joy!

Some mornings are like this picture!  Not the word "JOY", but the "not having it" crying kiddos!!

I just can't seem to find anything that gives me joy!  Nothing!!

But then...

My grandson comes over so I can "help" him make a Valentine's Day card for his girlfriend.  He is 20 years old and knows where to find the right supplies...at MeMaw's house!!!

Even though he sensed everything wasn't "quite right", he smiled and gave me a big hug; and my heart filled with joy!

The rest of the day wasn't all that bad!

And later that night, when hubby and I were watching a talent show on TV, a precious 12-year old dog trainer from Germany gave an amazing performance that brought more joy to my heart...

And the hearts of everyone in that TV audience.  One of the judges even called it...

PURE JOY!!

Which reminds me that no matter how I feel when I wake up in the morning...

There is joy to be found.

I just have to be open to it!

And look for it!

Write 28 Days - Day 2 - Intent

Well, yesterday (Saturday) I began this challenge with no intent (aim) to using any particular theme.  But my thoughts took me in a direction where I was basically "catching up" or continuing thoughts previously shared of the "dementia journey" with my husband.

When I first started my blog in 2014, it was just an "experiment".  I was hearing so many others talk about their "blog" and was a little curious about it.  What would I write?  Would anyone actually read what I have written?

Many of the people I connected with in those early days were getting ready to participate in the "Write 31 Days" challenge...

It was September!!  LATE September!!

"I am IN!" I thought!  And, "this will be easy!!"  I thought!!!

Well, my blog was a little amateurish; but I continued writing and sharing my story.  And I wrote every day, sharing words from my journals and poetry and other things I had collected through the years when my husband was first diagnosed with dementia.

The posts I wrote that first year, 2014, can be found HERE.

Yes, we were on a journey back then.  Just as we are now...

My intent or aim wasn't the same back then as it is now.  Then, I was experimenting with sharing my thoughts; the journey we were taking together; and found myself connecting with others.

I found myself being inspired and encouraged by so many women (and men) who were wonderful writers!  Many even had books published!  I wasn't even sure that I really was a writer...

But, I learned during that month of writing that I was a writer;

And I accepted that I was a caregiver, too!

So, as I continue sharing our journey, my intent now is to connect; and share; and inspire; and encourage; and write...

Because "someone" may really need to connect, too!

And I need to share.

To pour my heart out...

Even if I am the only one that reads what I have written.

That is my intent...

Write 28 Days - Day 1 - Begin

This quote means a lot to me!

The picture...means even more!

Years ago I began a journey; the one I am currently on with my husband...

We met; me with two children, alone to raise them myself.  We fell in "love"; or, did we?

We stayed together; it wasn't a great marriage.  But, when I became pregnant, I was torn between excitement, confusion, uncertainty...

Even a little bit of guilt and shame.

We raised our child, along with my two children.  And the years went on.

Until one day, it was obvious that he was losing his memory.  That there was something going on...

Medically?  Mentally?  Physically?

We followed through with tests.  And received the diagnoses:  Vascular Dementia.

But, the doctor said that it would stabilize; it wouldn't get worse unless he had more small (or even large) strokes; and that's what happened.

So, we continued the journey, together.

We trusted God to take us on the right path; to show us the way.  To give us strength for the journey.

Years later, (I am not sure how long), I began to see signs that his memory was getting worse.  And other things didn't seem "quite right".

Eventually, we were able to have more tests and the doctor said he had dementia...

And that it was most likely Alzheimer's disease.

Not exactly the diagnoses I wanted to hear!

But, we kept on the journey...to where, I wasn't sure.  But we kept on going.

The thing is, I was the only one that "knew" what was going on.  As far as he was - or is - concerned, his health was perfect; except for needing new glasses (at the time), and his hearing loss...

We continued the journey; trying to get the treatment and other things needed...

And still it continues.

I had no idea that over 20 years later, we would still be on that journey.

It's been up and down and all around to get to where we are today.

But, here we are!

I don't know where it will take us.  I don't know how much longer we will be on this journey...

Together!

All I can do is begin each day, trusting that God will lead me in the right direction;

For myself...

For my husband...

For us...

Together!