Write 28 Days - Day 7 - Enough

I may BE enough...

But, I've HAD enough!!





Enough feeling alone.

Enough having to justify being by myself.

{Sounds strange; to "feel alone" but to want to "be alone"?  But, that's how I feel many days.}

I "feel alone" in this journey.  I feel as if nobody really understands; or hears my silent cries.  I feel like all of the burdens and decisions of this life are all on my shoulders, and mine alone.

And...they are all on my shoulders!

The decisions, the scheduling, the transportation, the shopping, the cooking, the...

Whatever!  That is the life of a Caregiver, right?!

And, I feel alone!  Alone in this journey caring for someone who doesn't even think or know there's anything wrong; so...the decisions are on my shoulders.

Am I making the right ones?  So far I haven't had to make any really major decisions.

That time will come.

And, yes I want to be alone!  I want to go shopping (mostly "window shopping") alone.  I want to take a drive and walk on the beach or at a park, alone.  I want to not have to worry about anything but where I am and what I am doing at that very moment!

I want to get away by myself to ponder the journey; where it has been, where it is going...

Where we are now!

It's been going on for a very very long time!

When will it end?  Will it end?  How will it end?

OK.  I really don't want to hear the answers to those questions!!  I know in my head (and probably my heart too) how it ends.  But...

When it ends, will I have done enough?  Will I have given my all to doing the things that needed to be done?

Am I enough to be able to get through this and still come out at the end the person I truly am...

The person who has been pushed aside.  The one I don't even know any more...

The one who is ENOUGH for whatever comes her way!!

I AM ENOUGH!

Write 28 Days - Day 6 - Community

There's a community out there to help...

I am not alone.

So, why do I feel alone??

My husband and I attend church every Sunday; three weeks at his church and one week at mine.  Since he doesn't drive anymore, I do the driving and had promised him I would take him to his church.  I seriously did not think he would go with me to mine!

But, he does!  And he enjoys talking with the people he meets there.  Some he has actually "known" for many years from going to various events at my church.

And I am seeing another side of him when I attend his church...

{It's a long story of why we go to different churches; for many years, he didn't even go at all because of his work schedule...until our daughter was a teenager and went off on her own to find a church - there were no other young people in our church.  So, eventually, dad followed his "baby girl" to her church...and so on!}

Anyway, there is a community of people at both of these churches that we could call on if we needed to.

I haven't needed to.

Yet.

But, would I?


We live in an apartment complex that has 15 buildings, each with three floors of apartments, four on each floor; two different sides of the building...let's see, if my calculations are correct, that would be about 12 per end and 24 per building?!

That's a lot of people; another community.

But, I am sorry to say, I know the name of ONE...a neighbor that lives downstairs from where we live.  I've helped her and her daughter out a few times; I am sure they would help us too, if needed...if they were able to do so.

I haven't needed to.

Yet.

But, would I?


My husbands "knows" many people in the complex because he is out walking every day.  He speaks to everyone and pets their dogs and ooohs and ahhhs over the babies being pushed around the complex.  But, he doesn't really "know" them.

The office staff and maintenance workers are  around if we needed anything done in the apartment.

Yes, I do call on them for those types of maintenance issues!  But, for other reasons?

But, call on any of them to help if I needed them?   I don't feel I can.  I doubt if I would unless it was an emergency!


These are the communities we are in the midst of every day; and these don't really include our family or our friends!

We are not alone...

Even though we feel as if we are alone in our caregiving journey, or any other journey we may be traveling...

We are not alone!

There are people we can call on in an emergency...but, don't have to wait just for an emergency.


A few years ago when I started my blog and participated in the Write 31 Days challenge, I connected with a lot of other writers.  And, I connected with others that had been on, or were currently on, the same type of journey as I take every day...

One such writer is Bobbi Carducci, author of "The Imperfect Caregiver" as well as other books.

I am currently reading "Caregiver You Are Not Alone."  Quite obvious why this title peaked my attention...

While reading this book, I can see myself and our journey in just about every person's story that the author shares.  The following words hit home...

And remind me that I am NOT alone:

"...Being a caregiver is not a job that we can do alone.  We need help from our community, our family, and our friends.  And in the moments when all of them are too busy, or too far away, there is One who is always there."


Remember Caregiver, You Are NOT Alone!


Reach out for help when you need it.



{Find more about Bobbi Carducci and her journey here or here.

Write 28 Days - Day 5 - Numbers

1 2 5 6 9 14 25 31 45 63 70 

77 82 91 100 125 250 365...

Just a bunch of numbers.

But so much can be read into this string of numbers.

Take that last one...365.  This number represents a whole year of days; well, this year we actually need a +1 to that number...it's Leap Year!!

But, still a whole year!

A lot can happen in a whole year!

Can you even imagine where you will be in a whole year's time?

I can't.  I can hardly imagine what things will be like in 1...

1 day...
1 week...
1 month...
even 1 quarter of the whole year!

It's even hard to know what the next 1 minute will bring because things change that quickly...

All I can do is take in 1 at a time whether it be a second, or a minute, or a day or a week or whatever!

That is all I can do.

And, after that 1 I will take 1 more, then another and another until I move forward just a little more each time!

Just 1 step at a time!

Write 28 Days - Day 4 - Make

Life is what you make of it...

Right?

Wake up each morning and breathe in the new day; and make it a good one!

Or, wake up and see the situation that you live in every single day of your life, at least at this point in your life...

And...

Do what?

Just go on taking it one day at a time; just make it work the best you can!!

"This too shall pass", someone once said.  And really, it does, doesn't it?  I mean, the days go on and on and on; and it either gets better, or it gets worse.  Or, maybe it will stay the same for a while.

I received one of those "flip-style" calendars for Christmas and love the quotes from various people.  One quote for two days; the one for Sunday, January 5th and 6th, is from a young girl who stood up for her:

"Let us make our future now, and let us make our dreams tomorrow's reality."  -  Malala Yousafzai.

{December 5, 2019 - Malala Yousafzai Biography.  As a young girl, Malala Yousafzai defied the Taliban in Pakistan and demanded that girls be allowed to receive an education.  She was shot in the head by a Taliban gunman in 2012 but survived.  In 2014, she became the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize.  Additional information about Malala can be found here.}

She has certainly made her dreams a reality, hasn't she??!  And was able to make a way for many others at the same time.

Not really sure that my future or my dreams have anything to do with anything as major as young Malala has undertaken...

But, there is a reality to the life that I am currently living; and that life will be affected by the decisions I make at this point.

And those decisions can be very hard.

But necessary!

Write 28 Days - Day 3 - Joy!

Some mornings are like this picture!  Not the word "JOY", but the "not having it" crying kiddos!!

I just can't seem to find anything that gives me joy!  Nothing!!

But then...

My grandson comes over so I can "help" him make a Valentine's Day card for his girlfriend.  He is 20 years old and knows where to find the right supplies...at MeMaw's house!!!

Even though he sensed everything wasn't "quite right", he smiled and gave me a big hug; and my heart filled with joy!

The rest of the day wasn't all that bad!

And later that night, when hubby and I were watching a talent show on TV, a precious 12-year old dog trainer from Germany gave an amazing performance that brought more joy to my heart...

And the hearts of everyone in that TV audience.  One of the judges even called it...

PURE JOY!!

Which reminds me that no matter how I feel when I wake up in the morning...

There is joy to be found.

I just have to be open to it!

And look for it!

Write 28 Days - Day 2 - Intent

Well, yesterday (Saturday) I began this challenge with no intent (aim) to using any particular theme.  But my thoughts took me in a direction where I was basically "catching up" or continuing thoughts previously shared of the "dementia journey" with my husband.

When I first started my blog in 2014, it was just an "experiment".  I was hearing so many others talk about their "blog" and was a little curious about it.  What would I write?  Would anyone actually read what I have written?

Many of the people I connected with in those early days were getting ready to participate in the "Write 31 Days" challenge...

It was September!!  LATE September!!

"I am IN!" I thought!  And, "this will be easy!!"  I thought!!!

Well, my blog was a little amateurish; but I continued writing and sharing my story.  And I wrote every day, sharing words from my journals and poetry and other things I had collected through the years when my husband was first diagnosed with dementia.

The posts I wrote that first year, 2014, can be found HERE.

Yes, we were on a journey back then.  Just as we are now...

My intent or aim wasn't the same back then as it is now.  Then, I was experimenting with sharing my thoughts; the journey we were taking together; and found myself connecting with others.

I found myself being inspired and encouraged by so many women (and men) who were wonderful writers!  Many even had books published!  I wasn't even sure that I really was a writer...

But, I learned during that month of writing that I was a writer;

And I accepted that I was a caregiver, too!

So, as I continue sharing our journey, my intent now is to connect; and share; and inspire; and encourage; and write...

Because "someone" may really need to connect, too!

And I need to share.

To pour my heart out...

Even if I am the only one that reads what I have written.

That is my intent...

Write 28 Days - Day 1 - Begin

This quote means a lot to me!

The picture...means even more!

Years ago I began a journey; the one I am currently on with my husband...

We met; me with two children, alone to raise them myself.  We fell in "love"; or, did we?

We stayed together; it wasn't a great marriage.  But, when I became pregnant, I was torn between excitement, confusion, uncertainty...

Even a little bit of guilt and shame.

We raised our child, along with my two children.  And the years went on.

Until one day, it was obvious that he was losing his memory.  That there was something going on...

Medically?  Mentally?  Physically?

We followed through with tests.  And received the diagnoses:  Vascular Dementia.

But, the doctor said that it would stabilize; it wouldn't get worse unless he had more small (or even large) strokes; and that's what happened.

So, we continued the journey, together.

We trusted God to take us on the right path; to show us the way.  To give us strength for the journey.

Years later, (I am not sure how long), I began to see signs that his memory was getting worse.  And other things didn't seem "quite right".

Eventually, we were able to have more tests and the doctor said he had dementia...

And that it was most likely Alzheimer's disease.

Not exactly the diagnoses I wanted to hear!

But, we kept on the journey...to where, I wasn't sure.  But we kept on going.

The thing is, I was the only one that "knew" what was going on.  As far as he was - or is - concerned, his health was perfect; except for needing new glasses (at the time), and his hearing loss...

We continued the journey; trying to get the treatment and other things needed...

And still it continues.

I had no idea that over 20 years later, we would still be on that journey.

It's been up and down and all around to get to where we are today.

But, here we are!

I don't know where it will take us.  I don't know how much longer we will be on this journey...

Together!

All I can do is begin each day, trusting that God will lead me in the right direction;

For myself...

For my husband...

For us...

Together!

Write 28 Days - Day 20 - Glory

Time has totally gotten away from me!!  I haven't done very well with the "Write 28 Days" challenge; in fact, I haven't done much writing at all lately!  But I am still determined to finish this challenge!

The word for Day 22 is:  Glory.




What an appropriate word for this "Easter Monday"!

Yesterday, in a pew-filled church, we were all "filled with His Glory"!  From the organ music that called us into worship; to the glory on the faces of four children and one adult, baptized by our young minister; to the anthems sang by our choir; to the taking of Communion; and the glorious benediction anthem that raised the roof on our sanctuary...


We were all filled with the Glory of God!









We were all "surrounded by His Glory"...

Yes!  We were all surrounded by His Glory!!  "I can only Imagine what it will be..."

And sitting right next to me...was my husband!  Most Sundays I drive him to his church where he spends about an hour in fellowship with his church family.

Last Sunday, it was my week to serve as Deacon; and he went with me.  Since I had to serve during communion, he just sat out in the foyer and waited for me.

And again yesterday, since I really wanted to attend my church, he wanted to go with me again!  So, I sat with him during the whole service.

While he was a little confused, and didn't remember what I had told him would "happen", he did stay in the pew the whole service!

He may not have heard or seen much of what was going on around him, but as each person spoke to him, he smiled and shook his head.

And when he greeted our young pastor after worship, the smile spread even wider across his face was priceless.

God's Glory shone through all that messed up brain caused by the dementia.

And let me into his world just a little bit more.

Thank you, God, for the messed up people in this world.  For those who raise the roof on a church building; and those whose smiles when baptized lifted those in the congregation.  For the words of special hymns and new anthems, and the group of people sharing their talent to sing them.  For pastors young and old who have prepared us all to live in Your Glory.

Thank you for what Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday mean for us; but especially for what You did for us in sending your Son to this earth...

And now you prepare a place for us when our time comes to enter into Heaven along with you and all the other Angels who have gone before us.

Thank you for this Easter Monday.  May we always live in the moment and share what you have done for us.

Amen.  And Amen!



Go to Write 28 Days 2019 for a list of all  posts for this challenge.  Even though the challenged ended on February 28th, I am still attempting to write the last few posts; it's taking me a while, but I do plan to finish the rest of the prompted words!

To check out my first Write 31 Days challenge from 2014, "31 Days of Dementia's Demands", go to Barbara's Blog.

Write 28 Days - Day 21 - Just {FMF)

It's hard to believe the month of March will end this coming weekend.  I haven't done very well with this challenge; but am determined to write the rest of the words that were given...

So, for Day 21, which was a Five Minute Friday prompt, the word is:  JUST.

This word can be used in various ways:

1.  adj. - "showing no favor; true/correct.
2.  adv. - "(a) exactly, very nearly/ almost; (b) used to indicate the immediate past or future (he's just arrived; (c) only (we're just good friends); (d) now (at the present moment)."  
{Definitions from the "Newly Revised Edition of Webster's Student Dictionary"}

It's hard to say what I am trying to say!  I haven't been able to write lately, and the words just aren't coming...or they aren't very clear!

Not knowing what my future - or my husband's - keeps me on my feet to do what I can to be prepared!

That's not how it's supposed to work, is it?

We should...I should...be able to just trust God that everything will be OK.

That He has everything taken care of; He is with me all the way.

Yeah?  Easier said than done!

But...

Or, in other words:

You don't need to know the future to take the first step into it!

We...I...should not lose hope!

God works in "God Time"!

When the time is right...

His "right time".

I really do know that; and understand it...

In my head!  And, in my heart!

But my first reactions are to just do it!  As independent a person as I am, that is what my first reaction would be.

Not to step back and let God do it!

And that is just what I need to do!  Step back and let God do it in His time; and have the faith that He Will!

There will still be times when I just can't let it go!  When I have no idea what I want or need...

At those times, when I don't have the words to ask for what I want or need, I can just say one simple word...

One "simple" word that is so powerful!!

Just Say "Jesus"

Listen to these words:

Here are the words to this powerful song:

Just Say "Jesus"

Life gets tough, and times get hard

It’s hard to find the truth in all the lies

If you’re tired of wondering why

Your heart isn’t healing

And nothing feels like home

Cause your lost and alone just screaming at the sky

When you don’t know what to say

Just Say Jesus

There is power in the name

The Name of Jesus

If the words won’t come

Cause you’re too afraid to pray

Just Say Jesus

Whisper it now, or shout it out

However it comes out, He hears your cry

Out of nowhere He will come-you got to believe it

He will rescue you

Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Life

When you don’t know what to say

Just Say Jesus

There is power in the name

The Name of Jesus

If the words won’t come

Cause you’re to afraid to pray

There is just One name

Strong enough to save

There is just One name

There is just One name

Jesus

When you don’t know what to say

Just Say Jesus

There’s still power in the name

The Name of Jesus

If the words won’t come

Cause you’re too afraid to pray

If the words won’t come

And you don’t know what to say

Just Say Jesus

Go to Write 28 Days 2019 for a list of all  posts for this challenge.  Even though the challenged ended on February 28th, I am still attempting to write the last few posts; it's taking me a while, but I do plan to finish the rest of the prompted words!

To check out my first Write 31 Days challenge from 2014, "31 Days of Dementia's Demands", go to Barbara's Blog.

Write 28 Days - Day 23 - Reach

Today is Thursday, March 7th; the day after Ash Wednesday.  The beginning of the Season of Lent...

I should be thinking of the days leading up to the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

The One who died on the cross...

For US!

But instead, what am I doing...

I am reaching out to my computer for the words that will help me focus.

Words that will help me to see that I am not alone!

There are others around me - though not directly in front of me - who understand.  Those who will listen and help me to focus.

Yet, I feel stuck.  I feel there is nobody that understands exactly what I am going through.

I reach out to Him who has my future - and my now - in His hands.

Yet...

I feel alone!

I feel stuck!

I feel lost!

Yet...

I still feel.

There is something to be said about that...

Even as I reach into the nothing in front of me.

I still feel...



Go to Write 28 Days 2019 for a list of all  posts for this challenge.  Even though the challenged ended on February 28th, I am still attempting to write the last few posts!

To check out my first Write 31 Days challenge from 2014, "31 Days of Dementia's Demands", go to Barbara's Blog.