Finally Home

 

The poem I am sharing today was written a few days after my husband passed.  I wanted to be able to remember that last visit with him, and having all of the "children" together.  We each had a chance to sit with him and share whatever was on our mind, in our hearts.  And the memories we needed or wanted to share with each other.  It turned out to be the last visit as he passed in the early hours that next morning.

The words of this poem came out of two memories:

1.  Visiting my husband at the nursing facility became a stressful time as he always begged me to take him home, or drive him somewhere to get a burger or milkshake.  It hurt so much that I had to leave him, many times sneaking out while the staff made sure he stayed.  I can't imagine what he thought each time he saw me walking away.  But, the next time I saw him he had completely forgotten.

2.  During our last visit, I noticed a cardboard decoration, a butterfly, in the far corner of the room.  As he was lying there in his last hours, he kept reaching up for that butterfly and would mumble a word we couldn't clearly understand; until we did!  He was saying "Home".  And I knew he was reaching for the Heavenly Home waiting for him; not the home where he had wanted to go to with me.

As I share this poem today, I am at peace, knowing that we are each in the Home where we are meant to be.  He is no longer sick; and I am working my way through life as it will now be for me...

Finally Home

Did you know I was there with you?

In those last hours?

Did you know?

Could you hear the words whispered?

Mine and those of our loved ones?

Could you feel the presence in the room?

The one you kept reaching for.

The one I know you felt.

I felt the presence surrounding us all,

As we whispered those words

In the last hours.

I felt them, knew they would comfort you,

Prepare you for your last journey

When they take you Home,

Where you always wanted to be...

And now, you are finally Home!

(bjl 11/7/22)

Mixed Feelings

In a few weeks, it will be eight months since I lost my husband of almost 40 years.  That 40th anniverary follows a couple more months later.  Yet.  I really lost him years ago to Vascular dementia, and possibly Alzheimer's disease; though it was double pneumonia that took his life in the end.

A year ago I moved into my own apartment after finding a facility that could take care of my husband.  The apartment would be my very first time ever living totally alone; it was my dream apartment with lots of people and activities; beautiful scenery; and space to continue my hobbies.  Yet.  As I moved forward in this "single" life, my thoughts ran away from me in various directions.  I continue to feel uncertain and confused.  I simply try putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward rather than backward, to get my life together again.

As the days quickly fly by, my thoughts take form in reading and writing poetry, sharing my mixed feelings.  Today's post shares these thoughts and the "Mixed Feelings" I have been having...

A time to laugh;

A time to cry;

A time for memories of past;

A time for dreams for the future.

Or, a time of joy and happiness.

A time to find Me again;

The Me that is still there...

Somewhere.

It's easy to lose myself in caregiving;
Being stuck in that role.
But my role is different now.
I can find what makes me happy.
For now, it's a smile from a friend,
A group of friends laughing together;
New friends to share with;

And family...
Always family!

Uncertain

One day, everything seems fine.  Well, not really fine, but as "fine" or "normal" as it has been for...how long?

Then you receive a phone call and in a flash, everything changes quicker than you can turn around.  And life becomes different.  After so many years of that "normal life", you find yourself alone and grasping for the "what's next?" in the life you are left with.

That happened to me, about 7 months ago, when I received the call from the nursing home where my husband had been placed about 6 months prior to that call.  He was having trouble breathing and was in such distress, they needed to send him to the ER.  My daugher and I went as soon as we could.  He was confusued and fighting the breathing machines and wanting to get up.  The doctors at the emergency center did what they could; then transported him to the hospital where he spent several days.  Then was sent back to the nursing home under the care of Hospice...

So, now I find myself in that uncertain time, almost a year later.  Wondering how I will ever get by...alone?  Yet, not really alone.

This is the poem that was written while I was trying to figure things out for my future...

UNCERTAIN

Life can get busy,
  days to fly by...

Life is flying by; yet somewhat at a standstill.

Many days I really don't know

  which way to go;

  how to feel;

  what to think...

     the thoughts in my head.

Not sure I'm ready to deal with

  these thoughts.

I've felt this way for awhile,

  at other times when I felt

  Uncertain!

It just didn't seem...right?

I don't know how to feel about it...

  Actually...

  Maybe I do know how to feel...

  or, do I?!

(BJL October 20, 2022)

Quite confusing, I am sure!  But slowly, one day at a time, or even one moment at a time, I am learning how to live in this new "normal life" I now have.

Thoughts

 Trying to find my way through this new life Alone, as a Widow, not sure about anything.  My thoughts have been so random, and up and down, that I doubted myself so often!  I wasn't sure which way to turn; what to do with myself, how life would be like for me now...

Shortly after my husband passed, after being in a nursing home for six months, I began jotting things down in my journal; later going back and forming some of the random thoughts into poems.  This one, just titled "Thoughts", shares some of that uncertainty...

THOUGHTS

What can I say?
I know my thoughts

    are not where they should be.

I know how things were before.

This may not be right;

    but what is or isn't right

        is not the point.

I'm not sure.

It's my thoughts;

    like I have no control

        over how I feel,

or the thoughts running through my head...

And they're good, happy thoughts!

Am I allowed to smile, laugh,

     have fun, be happy?

I've done my best

    Still trying to do my best...

but I'm also doing what I enjoy;

What makes me happy!

(bjl December 16, 2022

"Our Song"

"That song came on today.
The one you loved.
The one we listened to together,
The one whose melody mingles with so many of our memories.

A soundtrack in the background of our days."

This poem, written by Liz Newman, was found on her Facebook page.  She has also written a book titled "I Look to the Mourning Sky" (among other resources for those who are grieving).  Her book and daily poems found on Facebook have been a great help to me in the grieving process.

Although my journey may be different than others, it has been my journey from caregiving to loss, and the grief and emptiness that follows.  And a realization that I have a "new" title now...

Widow.  Funny how things go!  I can finally say it...I AM A WIDOW!

Years ago when I began my first blog, I wrote about the journey I was on as caregiver for my husband who had dementia.  Through various posts and writings, I discovered that I was a CAREGIVER, but that I was also a WRITER!  

So in learning that, I have been reflecting on my journey through each of these phases, as well as the years as wife and mother.  This poem caught my eye, but also triggered this reflection as well:

"Why is it I can't remember a song that was our song?  Did we have a special song?  Is there a song that reminds me of you?  Not really!  Nothing comes to mind!  Yet...that really doesn't mean there wasn't one!

I love music!  You loved music, too!  You were a musician; in college majoring in music, playing the trombone in the band.  I didn't know you then; but you continued to play music and when I did meet you, tyou were playing the harmonica in a band with a few of your friends.

When our daughter was old enough and wanted to learn to play the piano, you were her teacher!  There was always music around us!

And you did love that George Beverly Shay song..."How Great Thou Art!"  Maybe that was your song and we didn't really have a special song.

Who says there has to be one certain song?!  Music in itself is a clear reminder of a loved on, whatever it is!

What is/was your special song.  Or, what other "thing" triggers those memories of your loved one?  Share them in the comments!

EVERYBODY GRIEVES

 In one way or another...Everybody grieves!  This poem was written about a month after losing my husband.  Today, I share "Everybody Grieves"; soon I will write more and pick back up on my journey as I add more posts.

I hope you will share your "journey" with me and my followers!

EVERYBODY GRIEVES

Everybody grieves differently...

everyone's lives are different,

their relationships not the same at all!

If you see me happy,

know that I am trying my best

but beneath my smile are unshed tears.

You may not see the tears,

or know when they are shed.

Those usually fall behind my door,

when I shut myself inside for the night.

If you do see a tear or two

it's only for a moment,

brought on by a memory, a song,

or a comforting word shared.

Everyone grieves differently,

and though mine isn't always clear to others,

it's there.

Don't be afraid when the tears fall;

comfort those who shed them.

Grief unshared builds up within;

grief shared is grief giving way to what lies ahead.

But...

Everybody grieves differently...

(BJL - Nov. 2022)