Uncertain

One day, everything seems fine.  Well, not really fine, but as "fine" or "normal" as it has been for...how long?

Then you receive a phone call and in a flash, everything changes quicker than you can turn around.  And life becomes different.  After so many years of that "normal life", you find yourself alone and grasping for the "what's next?" in the life you are left with.

That happened to me, about 7 months ago, when I received the call from the nursing home where my husband had been placed about 6 months prior to that call.  He was having trouble breathing and was in such distress, they needed to send him to the ER.  My daugher and I went as soon as we could.  He was confusued and fighting the breathing machines and wanting to get up.  The doctors at the emergency center did what they could; then transported him to the hospital where he spent several days.  Then was sent back to the nursing home under the care of Hospice...

So, now I find myself in that uncertain time, almost a year later.  Wondering how I will ever get by...alone?  Yet, not really alone.

This is the poem that was written while I was trying to figure things out for my future...

UNCERTAIN

Life can get busy,
  days to fly by...

Life is flying by; yet somewhat at a standstill.

Many days I really don't know

  which way to go;

  how to feel;

  what to think...

     the thoughts in my head.

Not sure I'm ready to deal with

  these thoughts.

I've felt this way for awhile,

  at other times when I felt

  Uncertain!

It just didn't seem...right?

I don't know how to feel about it...

  Actually...

  Maybe I do know how to feel...

  or, do I?!

(BJL October 20, 2022)

Quite confusing, I am sure!  But slowly, one day at a time, or even one moment at a time, I am learning how to live in this new "normal life" I now have.